Honestly,

the nerve and stupidity of some people astounds me.

on a good note, i'm 112. i mean, still clearly disgusting. but i'm losing the weight.

HATE,

everything about my life right now.
for starters, i feel like a used, fat, disgusting mess.
so saturday i went to the pool and looked like a whale. that started my day. then saturday night i went to a party and drank a little which makes me even more bloated. stupid of me, but hey, i'm in high school what do you expect? after the party me and a friend texted a couple people and ended up taking her truck to this placed called "the view" (it's on top of a hill and you can see our whole tiny, piece of shit town from up there). me making bad choices like always thought it would be okay to hook up with this one guy, we're friends and we've hooked up before and no one found out so i figured it would be the same this time. of course not. he told all his fucking friends everything! one of them happened to be the guy i was slightly interested before but it didn't work out because i'm "too shy and awkward" according to him. looking back on it i only hooked up with him to get over liking the other guy.
sunday morning to cheer my friend up myself and another friend took her to denny's and the only thing i'm proud of this weekend is that i didn't eat anything. how sad is that? hah. but last night i drank again too, more stupid shit. so to top off an amazing three day weekend my family fed me meat. i've been a vegetarian for seven years so after eating two bites and realizing there was meat i was throwing up for three hours. oh can't forget this, my "best friend" hooked up with that guy i liked. so cool of her. and now even though i know the entire story and exactly how it happened she is still trying to lie to me.
and here is my only exercise for this weekend:
a hike saturday morning then swimming and walking across my town to get home from a party. wonderful. that burnt maybe a tenth of the calories i've eaten/drank this weekend.
so i am now a fat whore with no true friends. i've been throwing up and cutting again. and i literally want to crawl up in a ball and die. i'm so tired too, i haven't gotten any sleep. but i'm going to go to the park to get some adderall so i can finish my school work and stop eating like a whale. i'll tell you how this week will go. wish me luck.

friday night,

i was doing so well!
no breakfast, no lunch, no snacking then what happens. denny's.
unlimited pancakes for four dollars. you do the math.
now i look like i am two months pregnant, it's repulsive.
and best of all, i am going to the spa in a half an hour.
oh, how lovely.
this night should turn out wonderfully!
it's a three day weekend and i have no dance for three days so i'll be spending most of my time at the gym and away from food.
i will be 105 before summer. i still have two weeks.
five of these disgusting pounds will just melt off, the other five won't be as easy, but nothing is impossible.

it's been months,

I know.
For starters, i weigh 115 lbs as of five minutes ago.
i eat an average of 900 calories a day, give or take a few of course.
School is more stressful than ever as the year winds down, but i'm looking forward to summer. i can go out and pretend like i'm eating when i'm not.
for a really long time i didn't care about anything, life was really, really bad.
i ate for comfort and fun. i had nothing to do with myself, and i didn't want to do anything even if i had the opportunity.
i'm slowly creeping back into this stage of my life again, and i needed something to help me get out. so what do you think i turned to? haha.
i would love to catch you up on the past six months of my life, but that's not going to happen. so here's what's going on now.
i just fought with two of my closest friends and in the middle of conversation, one of them (who is very much aware of how i feel about my body, she doesn't know what i do, but she knows i'm uncomfortable with myself) decided to tell me "oh and by the way, when you always say you're fat. well you're right! you should really work on it." as if i'm not already in an awful mood. my grades are horrible because i have no motivation anymore, my family honestly hates ( i overheard them discussing/talking shit about me last night), i can't catch a break with guys and i always go for the ass holes, and now i have no friends.
SO COOL.
so anyways, i think i'll be posting again. i forgot how much this helps. even if no one is reading it.

Speechless,

i haven't had anything to say. so i haven't been posting(obviously). however, i have been reading.
its so so sooo hard to read you're posts and see you all improve while i slowly get worse and worse. i'm proud of you all, but its such a shitty feeling. its shitty because i know its all in my control, i'm just a fat lazy girl who doesn't choose to fix herself. i haven't been throwing up or even eating healthy. i blame it on the season but the blame is on me. i can still fit into my zero's, but i fit into my one's as well. my current weight is 111 lbs. that is so disgusting. i don't even know why i have no control anymore. its not that i don't care, because i do. its just that i don't think, i eat when i want to and even when i don't want to. i don't want to write anymore, but i might later. bye.

oh

goodness.
i'm so sorry i haven't posted. i've been too sick and too fat.
i still fit into my zero jeans no problem, thank god. thanksgiving was yesterday. that wasn't okay. but other than that i've actually been doing decent. school lunches have been bad the past week, but i'll kick myself back into better habits. i've actually been happy lately. well happy-ish. i've had things to do. that is really good for me because if i wasn't out doing things i'd be sitting on my lazy ass eating and watching tv. two nights ago i was hanging out with some people and everyone was smoking and i don't smoke weed anymore so i sat there and watched and after when they all had the munchies and everyone was scarfing down chips, pizza, and soda i was happily sitting there starving.
well i need to go get ready, i'm going out. that means i won't be eating until tomorrow morning.
<3

Forgot,

i'm back in my zero jeans! (:
i completely drown in my threes and my ones are slightly loose. finally. hahah