Honestly,

the nerve and stupidity of some people astounds me.

on a good note, i'm 112. i mean, still clearly disgusting. but i'm losing the weight.

HATE,

everything about my life right now.
for starters, i feel like a used, fat, disgusting mess.
so saturday i went to the pool and looked like a whale. that started my day. then saturday night i went to a party and drank a little which makes me even more bloated. stupid of me, but hey, i'm in high school what do you expect? after the party me and a friend texted a couple people and ended up taking her truck to this placed called "the view" (it's on top of a hill and you can see our whole tiny, piece of shit town from up there). me making bad choices like always thought it would be okay to hook up with this one guy, we're friends and we've hooked up before and no one found out so i figured it would be the same this time. of course not. he told all his fucking friends everything! one of them happened to be the guy i was slightly interested before but it didn't work out because i'm "too shy and awkward" according to him. looking back on it i only hooked up with him to get over liking the other guy.
sunday morning to cheer my friend up myself and another friend took her to denny's and the only thing i'm proud of this weekend is that i didn't eat anything. how sad is that? hah. but last night i drank again too, more stupid shit. so to top off an amazing three day weekend my family fed me meat. i've been a vegetarian for seven years so after eating two bites and realizing there was meat i was throwing up for three hours. oh can't forget this, my "best friend" hooked up with that guy i liked. so cool of her. and now even though i know the entire story and exactly how it happened she is still trying to lie to me.
and here is my only exercise for this weekend:
a hike saturday morning then swimming and walking across my town to get home from a party. wonderful. that burnt maybe a tenth of the calories i've eaten/drank this weekend.
so i am now a fat whore with no true friends. i've been throwing up and cutting again. and i literally want to crawl up in a ball and die. i'm so tired too, i haven't gotten any sleep. but i'm going to go to the park to get some adderall so i can finish my school work and stop eating like a whale. i'll tell you how this week will go. wish me luck.

friday night,

i was doing so well!
no breakfast, no lunch, no snacking then what happens. denny's.
unlimited pancakes for four dollars. you do the math.
now i look like i am two months pregnant, it's repulsive.
and best of all, i am going to the spa in a half an hour.
oh, how lovely.
this night should turn out wonderfully!
it's a three day weekend and i have no dance for three days so i'll be spending most of my time at the gym and away from food.
i will be 105 before summer. i still have two weeks.
five of these disgusting pounds will just melt off, the other five won't be as easy, but nothing is impossible.

it's been months,

I know.
For starters, i weigh 115 lbs as of five minutes ago.
i eat an average of 900 calories a day, give or take a few of course.
School is more stressful than ever as the year winds down, but i'm looking forward to summer. i can go out and pretend like i'm eating when i'm not.
for a really long time i didn't care about anything, life was really, really bad.
i ate for comfort and fun. i had nothing to do with myself, and i didn't want to do anything even if i had the opportunity.
i'm slowly creeping back into this stage of my life again, and i needed something to help me get out. so what do you think i turned to? haha.
i would love to catch you up on the past six months of my life, but that's not going to happen. so here's what's going on now.
i just fought with two of my closest friends and in the middle of conversation, one of them (who is very much aware of how i feel about my body, she doesn't know what i do, but she knows i'm uncomfortable with myself) decided to tell me "oh and by the way, when you always say you're fat. well you're right! you should really work on it." as if i'm not already in an awful mood. my grades are horrible because i have no motivation anymore, my family honestly hates ( i overheard them discussing/talking shit about me last night), i can't catch a break with guys and i always go for the ass holes, and now i have no friends.
SO COOL.
so anyways, i think i'll be posting again. i forgot how much this helps. even if no one is reading it.

Speechless,

i haven't had anything to say. so i haven't been posting(obviously). however, i have been reading.
its so so sooo hard to read you're posts and see you all improve while i slowly get worse and worse. i'm proud of you all, but its such a shitty feeling. its shitty because i know its all in my control, i'm just a fat lazy girl who doesn't choose to fix herself. i haven't been throwing up or even eating healthy. i blame it on the season but the blame is on me. i can still fit into my zero's, but i fit into my one's as well. my current weight is 111 lbs. that is so disgusting. i don't even know why i have no control anymore. its not that i don't care, because i do. its just that i don't think, i eat when i want to and even when i don't want to. i don't want to write anymore, but i might later. bye.

oh

goodness.
i'm so sorry i haven't posted. i've been too sick and too fat.
i still fit into my zero jeans no problem, thank god. thanksgiving was yesterday. that wasn't okay. but other than that i've actually been doing decent. school lunches have been bad the past week, but i'll kick myself back into better habits. i've actually been happy lately. well happy-ish. i've had things to do. that is really good for me because if i wasn't out doing things i'd be sitting on my lazy ass eating and watching tv. two nights ago i was hanging out with some people and everyone was smoking and i don't smoke weed anymore so i sat there and watched and after when they all had the munchies and everyone was scarfing down chips, pizza, and soda i was happily sitting there starving.
well i need to go get ready, i'm going out. that means i won't be eating until tomorrow morning.
<3

Forgot,

i'm back in my zero jeans! (:
i completely drown in my threes and my ones are slightly loose. finally. hahah

Again,

i'm so sorry i haven't been posting.
school is ridiculous, as well as dance, and family.
but to catch you up, i got really sick on saturday and didn't eat until today (monday) after i fainted, which had never happened to me until today. i weighed myself when i was finally able to get out of my bed and i'm 108. this number haunts me. it never gets smaller, yet often increases. i went two days without eating, i really don't understand. however, looking in the mirror i feel smaller somehow? who knows, i'm pretty delusional right now. but i'm super tired. i'll post soon. <3

Goodness,

life is hectic.
today was interesting, the power went out at our school so everyone got to leave. i was excited! and before we were released i had a reall deep conversation with one of my old best friends, we had a falling out and i'm glad we finally talked about it. i love resolving issues. it makes life so much easier.
so i wanted to apologize for not posting in forever. i haven't been doing very good. and its hard to read all your posts when i hear about how amazing your doing. haha. but good job if you have been doing well! i haven't been throwing up. who knows why. (i was talking to my best friend about this and i think it is my recently changed attitude and my lack of self control). and of course halloween was this weekend.. which means candy and sweets galore. i can't even begin to describe how much chocolate i consumed this week and yesterday i had a bagel at lunch! today will be better though. i've only had a sucker my friend got me and i didn't even finish half of it. i'm not even hungry, i'm probably still running off everything i ate this weekend. goodness. well, i have to get off the computer. someone here to look at my house. bye (:

Basically,

i'm pretty happy.
i'm 107. that's not what i'm happy about.
but i started my solo today at dance and i really like it, i have a chair and my song is pretty and it means every saturday i have an extra hour of dance. and i went to the gym with my mom after dance on thursday and she was like "i like working out with you, you keep going. its inspiring." so she got me a membership so we can go together every monday, thursday and sunday. and i can go by myself whenever i want. and this gym is literally two minutes away from my house by foot. so its perfect. now basically, i was doing great with food until last night. but luckily i was eating bell peppers and soy nuts instead of chips. but regardless. i ate a lot! of course i would do that after a week or being pretty good. but it is now three and i've eaten a seventy calorie yogurt and i definitely burned off that and some of last nights calories at dance today. and i clean my studio so when everyone left i kept practicing for about an hour and that burned quite a few i'm sure.
so, not including last night, i am actually proud of myself.
i hope your doing great (:
maybe i'll post a few pictures if i start looking better.
but i'm not sure yet. hahah

Wow,

i just walked across my town because my mom hates me. honestly, all we do is fight. i was crying the whole way and i saw at least three people i know pass me. it was so embarrassing. but at least it was exercise. ha.
so my system is working (: i haven't eaten today. and i hardly ate yesterday; 80 calorie yogurt and a piece of toast no butter, 100 calories. not bad for what i've been eating lately.
i was with my friend i hardly hang out with and i made some really cool friends. we went out and none of us had money for food so that was perfect for me, hahah.
so i met this girl friday, well i knew who she was, we go to school together and she is three months pregnant and looks smaller than me. it made me so mad. i mean, good for her. she's hiding it really well, but god. it made me feel horrible.
so i am going to try so hard to be one oh five by the end of the week. it shouldn't be hard. i just really need to get a hold of myself.
i think my mom just got home so i need to get off.
time to get screamed at. woooo.
bye

Sorry,

i have been so ridiculously busy this week it isn't even funny. so sorry for not posting : /
on a decent note. i'm still 108. because this system (eat, throw up) i'm not gaining anything. but i'm still eating. and i'm eating a lot. so we'll have to change that.
i have to get a hold of myself. this has been going on for about two weeks now. and it is not anywhere near okay. its disgusting.
i really haven't done much this week. other than school and dance. i just have had so much homework so no time to post.
but here is my idea:
tonight: eat dinner with my mom like a said i would, throw up.
tomorrow: have a 80 calorie yogurt and burn it off at dance. eat dinner with friends or whoever i'm with. no snacks throughout the day.
sunday: fast
monday-friday: dinner, throw up.

sounds simple. but lets see how i do.
i'll post tomorrow (: i just need to get ready; football game tonight.

So,

I'm horrible.
i need to get a hold of myself. NOW.
alright, so i fasted all friday until six when i went out to dinner with my dad, who i rarely see, and we went out for mexican. after not eating for over a day since i hardly ate anything thursday (some crackers and cheese and 100 calorie doritos), i was obviously hungry. so i decided to order a bean, rice and cheese burrito. i know, i know. but anyways, i am over half way done with it, mid sentence, out of no where, i started gagging, my dad runs over and pulls my hair back and i threw up everything and on everything. it was disgusting. and i'm not sick, so it was really weird. not sure what it was about. but hey it got me out of having to do it later.
so anyways, that movie night i told you about. yeahhh, not so good. not good at all actually. homemade brownies and whipped cream at six in the morning after not sleeping for over twenty four hours seems like a good idea at the time. doesn't really feel good now. hah. and a five calorie energy drink seems like a good idea as well, but not when you feel hung over the next morning. and to ease the headache and slushy stomach, i topped it all off with a cheese bagel. aren't i great? not.
i don't know where any of my control went. but i'm not going to eat anything the rest of the day, which shouldn't be extremely difficult because i'm going to spend it doing homework and sleeping.
ohh, a new decision i've made is that i'm going to fill up my day with so many activities and things to do that there is just no time for eating, because obviously i have lost every ounce of control i had.

good luck, and you better be doing better than me!
but i promise i'll lose this weight.
its just going to take longer than it should.

Lied,

i didn't fast today like i said i was going to.
but i'm starting with her tomorrow and i realized friday night i can't because i'm having a movie/pig out night with my friends. of course.
but i'm not going to eat anything else today or tomorrow or friday until the night.
if i do, i guess i'll throw it up. like what i did today.
but i'm going to try not to.

Embarrassing,

but here you go:

this is what 108 look like on me.
i've been doing horribly lately.
but okay, my friend is fasting and she was like "you should totally fast with me!" so i'm going to until friday. or at least thats when she is stopping. if it works for me, maybe i'll keep going. we'll see. because obvisously i have no self control, i can't even tell you what i've been eating because its absolutely disgusting.
i'm going to do this! i have to do this...

Hah,

"Food may seem more important to you than ever before as you try to compensate for the lack of some emotional bond."
my horoscope.
they're dead on sometimes.

Fall,

i love this weather so much <3

so basically homecoming was terrible. the whole night was a bust, but i'm over it. i have been spending a lot of time lately letting little things get to me, and i finally let myself cry and realize, its high school. this doesn't matter in the long run. i'm over being judged, the only opinion that matters is mine.i'm aware that i should have known that, and i did, i just never believed it. i think i finally do. (:

so i'm ready to tell you what i've been up to.
i cut myself a few weekends ago (when i said i did something stupid and didn't regret it.) i haven't done it since and i don't think it was necessary, actually i know it wasn't. but for some reason i felt like i had to... not sure why?
and i've been throwing up again.. there is someone who reads this that i should have told, but didn't. i hope when you read this you don't hate me. i didn't know how to tell you.
when i said my opinion is the only one that matters, there are actually three other people who's opinions matter to me. but my opinion of myself is different than theirs of me. and that's why i do things like that.

its really hard not having certain things and to have see other people get them so easily is really hard. i don't feel the need to explain that or give specifics. but i feel like that applies to everything so you can relate it to yourself.

i need to get ready for dance.
but thanks for reading. <3

Homecoming,

is saturday.
i'm excited (:
i'm finally slimming down.
maybe next week i'll have pictures... maybe.
108. blahh.
unfortunately, i've been eating a lot lately. all healthy i promise.
but i've been soooo hungry. and i'm giving my body what it wants. not what my mind wants. i need to get my act together.
i'm letting myself go. booo.

i'll post after homecoming and fill you in on everything that i've been up to.

p.s. i'm feeling better (:

Okay,

i just got back from a jog which burned off my 100 calories or so i've eaten today plus some. and i'm going to dance in an hour so that will burn even more. sweet!
anyways.
i'm feeling a little better, but i've still been really irritable and emotional lately. i don't know whats wrong with me, but i'll let you know when i get a hold of myself.
I'm 109.
not good, not horrible.
still bad though.
i'm finally exercising again and my bodily functions are returning to normal so maybe i'll start digesting food normally again.. hopefully.
this weekend was just terrible. horribly, horribly terrible.
i ate so much. i don't even know why.
but i got rid of most of the calories.
i've been doing a lot of stupid things lately...
i'll tell you all about those things later.
I'm not quite ready to be judged yet.


oh, p.s. got my homecoming dress with my dad. its not horrible. its a bubble dress so i look kinda fat. oh well. he picked it out and was happy when i pretended to like it, so i'm happy.

hope your doing better than me.
good luck and stay strong <3

Ugh,

i don't want anyone's sympathy.
i hate when people feel bad for me.
it makes me feel pathetic.
my friend texted me last night saying something.
(i'd rather not talk about it)
but it was embarrassing.
it pisses me off when people think i'm incapable of doing things for myself.
and what's even more pathetic is she has a point.
i'm sitting here on a saturday night by myself blogging when all my friends are out partying and having a good time. but i'm in such a slump i don't want to do anything.

i can't even explain how i'm feeling right now and i don't know exactly why i'm feeling this way, i just know it sucks and i hate it.

and on an even MORE pathetic note, i ate.. a lot..
950 calories a lot.
that is almost as disgusting as i feel.
and this little depression i'm in is keeping me from moving enough to have the energy to work off at least a portion of it.
bye bye 108,
hello fatass.