Saturday, October 24, 2009


i'm pretty happy.
i'm 107. that's not what i'm happy about.
but i started my solo today at dance and i really like it, i have a chair and my song is pretty and it means every saturday i have an extra hour of dance. and i went to the gym with my mom after dance on thursday and she was like "i like working out with you, you keep going. its inspiring." so she got me a membership so we can go together every monday, thursday and sunday. and i can go by myself whenever i want. and this gym is literally two minutes away from my house by foot. so its perfect. now basically, i was doing great with food until last night. but luckily i was eating bell peppers and soy nuts instead of chips. but regardless. i ate a lot! of course i would do that after a week or being pretty good. but it is now three and i've eaten a seventy calorie yogurt and i definitely burned off that and some of last nights calories at dance today. and i clean my studio so when everyone left i kept practicing for about an hour and that burned quite a few i'm sure.
so, not including last night, i am actually proud of myself.
i hope your doing great (:
maybe i'll post a few pictures if i start looking better.
but i'm not sure yet. hahah

Sunday, October 18, 2009


i just walked across my town because my mom hates me. honestly, all we do is fight. i was crying the whole way and i saw at least three people i know pass me. it was so embarrassing. but at least it was exercise. ha.
so my system is working (: i haven't eaten today. and i hardly ate yesterday; 80 calorie yogurt and a piece of toast no butter, 100 calories. not bad for what i've been eating lately.
i was with my friend i hardly hang out with and i made some really cool friends. we went out and none of us had money for food so that was perfect for me, hahah.
so i met this girl friday, well i knew who she was, we go to school together and she is three months pregnant and looks smaller than me. it made me so mad. i mean, good for her. she's hiding it really well, but god. it made me feel horrible.
so i am going to try so hard to be one oh five by the end of the week. it shouldn't be hard. i just really need to get a hold of myself.
i think my mom just got home so i need to get off.
time to get screamed at. woooo.

Friday, October 16, 2009


i have been so ridiculously busy this week it isn't even funny. so sorry for not posting : /
on a decent note. i'm still 108. because this system (eat, throw up) i'm not gaining anything. but i'm still eating. and i'm eating a lot. so we'll have to change that.
i have to get a hold of myself. this has been going on for about two weeks now. and it is not anywhere near okay. its disgusting.
i really haven't done much this week. other than school and dance. i just have had so much homework so no time to post.
but here is my idea:
tonight: eat dinner with my mom like a said i would, throw up.
tomorrow: have a 80 calorie yogurt and burn it off at dance. eat dinner with friends or whoever i'm with. no snacks throughout the day.
sunday: fast
monday-friday: dinner, throw up.

sounds simple. but lets see how i do.
i'll post tomorrow (: i just need to get ready; football game tonight.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


I'm horrible.
i need to get a hold of myself. NOW.
alright, so i fasted all friday until six when i went out to dinner with my dad, who i rarely see, and we went out for mexican. after not eating for over a day since i hardly ate anything thursday (some crackers and cheese and 100 calorie doritos), i was obviously hungry. so i decided to order a bean, rice and cheese burrito. i know, i know. but anyways, i am over half way done with it, mid sentence, out of no where, i started gagging, my dad runs over and pulls my hair back and i threw up everything and on everything. it was disgusting. and i'm not sick, so it was really weird. not sure what it was about. but hey it got me out of having to do it later.
so anyways, that movie night i told you about. yeahhh, not so good. not good at all actually. homemade brownies and whipped cream at six in the morning after not sleeping for over twenty four hours seems like a good idea at the time. doesn't really feel good now. hah. and a five calorie energy drink seems like a good idea as well, but not when you feel hung over the next morning. and to ease the headache and slushy stomach, i topped it all off with a cheese bagel. aren't i great? not.
i don't know where any of my control went. but i'm not going to eat anything the rest of the day, which shouldn't be extremely difficult because i'm going to spend it doing homework and sleeping.
ohh, a new decision i've made is that i'm going to fill up my day with so many activities and things to do that there is just no time for eating, because obviously i have lost every ounce of control i had.

good luck, and you better be doing better than me!
but i promise i'll lose this weight.
its just going to take longer than it should.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


i didn't fast today like i said i was going to.
but i'm starting with her tomorrow and i realized friday night i can't because i'm having a movie/pig out night with my friends. of course.
but i'm not going to eat anything else today or tomorrow or friday until the night.
if i do, i guess i'll throw it up. like what i did today.
but i'm going to try not to.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


but here you go:
this is what 108 look like on me.
i've been doing horribly lately.
but okay, my friend is fasting and she was like "you should totally fast with me!" so i'm going to until friday. or at least thats when she is stopping. if it works for me, maybe i'll keep going. we'll see. because obvisously i have no self control, i can't even tell you what i've been eating because its absolutely disgusting.
i'm going to do this! i have to do this...

Monday, October 5, 2009


"Food may seem more important to you than ever before as you try to compensate for the lack of some emotional bond."
my horoscope.
they're dead on sometimes.


i love this weather so much <3

so basically homecoming was terrible. the whole night was a bust, but i'm over it. i have been spending a lot of time lately letting little things get to me, and i finally let myself cry and realize, its high school. this doesn't matter in the long run. i'm over being judged, the only opinion that matters is mine.i'm aware that i should have known that, and i did, i just never believed it. i think i finally do. (:

so i'm ready to tell you what i've been up to.
i cut myself a few weekends ago (when i said i did something stupid and didn't regret it.) i haven't done it since and i don't think it was necessary, actually i know it wasn't. but for some reason i felt like i had to... not sure why?
and i've been throwing up again.. there is someone who reads this that i should have told, but didn't. i hope when you read this you don't hate me. i didn't know how to tell you.
when i said my opinion is the only one that matters, there are actually three other people who's opinions matter to me. but my opinion of myself is different than theirs of me. and that's why i do things like that.

its really hard not having certain things and to have see other people get them so easily is really hard. i don't feel the need to explain that or give specifics. but i feel like that applies to everything so you can relate it to yourself.

i need to get ready for dance.
but thanks for reading. <3

Thursday, October 1, 2009


is saturday.
i'm excited (:
i'm finally slimming down.
maybe next week i'll have pictures... maybe.
108. blahh.
unfortunately, i've been eating a lot lately. all healthy i promise.
but i've been soooo hungry. and i'm giving my body what it wants. not what my mind wants. i need to get my act together.
i'm letting myself go. booo.

i'll post after homecoming and fill you in on everything that i've been up to.

p.s. i'm feeling better (: