Tuesday, September 29, 2009


i just got back from a jog which burned off my 100 calories or so i've eaten today plus some. and i'm going to dance in an hour so that will burn even more. sweet!
i'm feeling a little better, but i've still been really irritable and emotional lately. i don't know whats wrong with me, but i'll let you know when i get a hold of myself.
I'm 109.
not good, not horrible.
still bad though.
i'm finally exercising again and my bodily functions are returning to normal so maybe i'll start digesting food normally again.. hopefully.
this weekend was just terrible. horribly, horribly terrible.
i ate so much. i don't even know why.
but i got rid of most of the calories.
i've been doing a lot of stupid things lately...
i'll tell you all about those things later.
I'm not quite ready to be judged yet.

oh, p.s. got my homecoming dress with my dad. its not horrible. its a bubble dress so i look kinda fat. oh well. he picked it out and was happy when i pretended to like it, so i'm happy.

hope your doing better than me.
good luck and stay strong <3

Saturday, September 26, 2009


i don't want anyone's sympathy.
i hate when people feel bad for me.
it makes me feel pathetic.
my friend texted me last night saying something.
(i'd rather not talk about it)
but it was embarrassing.
it pisses me off when people think i'm incapable of doing things for myself.
and what's even more pathetic is she has a point.
i'm sitting here on a saturday night by myself blogging when all my friends are out partying and having a good time. but i'm in such a slump i don't want to do anything.

i can't even explain how i'm feeling right now and i don't know exactly why i'm feeling this way, i just know it sucks and i hate it.

and on an even MORE pathetic note, i ate.. a lot..
950 calories a lot.
that is almost as disgusting as i feel.
and this little depression i'm in is keeping me from moving enough to have the energy to work off at least a portion of it.
bye bye 108,
hello fatass.


easy as 123.
sort of, hahah.
yesterday was three hundred and i ate around 400. no bueno.
but i burnt off at least 120-140 so i'm good.
today i've had 90 calories and i don't plan on having much more.

108 pounds.
i did not expect to see those numbers for a while.

i'm real happy (:
hope you are all doing great.
i'm off to look for a homecoming dress with my father.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


i'm finally dancing again, and i couldn't be happier.
i started abc yesterday and i've eaten less than i was supposed to both days.
i don't see a difference.
but its been two days so i wasn't expecting to see anything. ha
I'm really happy and proud of myself.
my best friend is doing her own abc based diet so i have her to help me though it.
I've denied so much food lately and that is completely not like me. i cave so easily, someone offers me something, i take it without a thought. not anymore.
i'm so proud that i can finally say that.
i hope you are all doing great!
stay strong. i know i need to be.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


so since i did so good yesterday and barely ate anything i decided i was going to start the abc diet. i tried for a week over summer and just didn't have the self control. i didn't really have the drive either. obviously now i do, but of course when i decide i'm starting my grandma calls my mom inviting us all over for a massive home made dinner. my family is all obese so there is literally massive amounts of food. my grandmother always makes a plate for me, which is very unnecessary, but because i'm a vegetarian she thinks i don't eat enough (that's not why, but she's right) so i'm sure i will come home three or more pounds heavier. not even exaggerating
so i guess i'm starting tomorrow.
i'm dancing tonight, so maybe that will burn off at least a tiny bit.
i'm excited to get back to exercising.
i really need to work my ass off, literally.

wish me luck.

Monday, September 21, 2009


i did something really stupid last night.
and i can't really say i'm regretting it,
which makes me regret it.

if that makes sense.

but on a brighter side.
190 calories.
give or take a few.

hope you're doing better than me.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Excuse me,

but if you dislike foul language. don't read this.

i feel like shit , and this isn't the first time this has happened to me.
actually, it always happens to me.
i hate high school so much.
these are by far the WORST days of my life.
i'm crying and i wish you felt really shitty.
but i know you don't.

on another note;
literally i could pass as being three months pregnant.
why do i do this to myself.
"you have a huge ass... like its massive"
that really helped.

so my fat ass is sitting here wallowing in self pity.
but hey, nothing i can do about it now.

you don't know what i'm talking about. but ranting and venting helped a little bit.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's horrible,

my little sister: 5'0, 85 llbs., 12 years old.
she just came into our room last night crying and when i asked her what was wrong she lifted up her shirt and pointed at her stomach saying her friends were poking her all night telling her they like her "pudge", after about ten minutes of just letting her cry i told her she was beautiful and her friends don't know what they're talking about and she just kept crying.
it was heartbreaking.
then today, while i was cleaning my dance studio she was with me and was being really quiet which isn't like her so i asked what was wrong and she said she was hungry so i told her to go get something out of the office and she said she couldn't and when i asked why she looked at herself and mumbled something so that i didn't understand so i asked again and she yelled " I'M FAT! that's why!"
it was the worst feeling i have ever felt.
I didn't know what to say, because i know exactly how she feels.

i've felt sick all day, maybe because of that?
but i haven't really eaten
90 calories.
still 110.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


in-n-out grilled cheese+fries.
650 calories today.


I have barely eaten anything today.
190 calories, and i'm done for the day (:
I talked to my dad about homecoming
and his girlfriend is going to look through all her vintage dresses and pick me out something amazing. yay!
I have two best friends that are always there for me.
One isn't so supportive but she just doesn't understand and can I really blame her? No.
Just like I don't understand somethings she does.
But its okay because I'm there for her and she is there for me.
Dance last night was pretty good, except for the pain.
Not dancing tonight but I went on a walk and I just finished some sit ups, and when I get home I'll be doing some more.
I'm hungry, but nothing looks good.
Thank god!
Hope everyone is doing good,
good luck and stay strong.
xo <3

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Never mind,

I didn't post.
I'm 110. Great.
But I haven't worked off anything in a week and last nights dinner was horrible.
I think I can shed that pound. Not as easy as I gained it, but easily enough.
"no it don't come easy, no it don't come fast" augustana-fire.
Of course gaining weight is so easy; too bad.
I can honestly say I've been eating less than usual (disregarding last night of course) and I'm not as hungry anymore. Woo.
I'm going to try to dance tonight, but who knows how that's going to work out.
I think I'm going to my dad's this weekend which means I don't have to eat very much and when I do eat, it's all healthy and low cal. Yay.
Sisters gone which means I can read and post as much as I want without her lurking, thank god.
I need to do homework, but I'll let you know how dance goes.

400 calories today. I don't plan on that changing.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Two sides to every problem,

Things are getting better.
I'm on top of school work,
I'm resolving issues that have been haunting me for quite some time,
I'm doing a solo,
I fixed things with my dad,
my mom is listening a little more and finally growing up.
So why is it that
I still feel like shit?
I'm still no where near what I want to be.
By resolving issues with some people I'm creating some with others,
I can't dance for two weeks,
my dad isn't here,
and my mom still doesn't care.
All these things are taking up too much space in my mind. Space that needs to be directed towards other thoughts; thoughts like controlling what i eat.
For example; I've eaten about 800 calories today and I still have to eat dinner.
I feel disgusting and I can't dance it off tonight, or the rest of this week for that matter.
Well I'm going to go on a twenty minute jog around my neighborhood on my bum ankle.
Then I'm going to dance. Boo for watching other people burn calories while you sit on your fat ass.

I'll post again tonight, I'm sure of it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

This is me,

Age: 16
Height: 5'5
Weight: 109 lbs.
Conclusion: disgusting

I would not say I am anorexic or bulimic, although I have habits and personality traits similar to both.

Currently I am suffering from cramps that have lead to nausea resulting in myself throwing up everything I have eaten in the past three days. I can honestly say I've never been happier to be in so much pain.

A few weeks back I looked in the mirror and decided what i saw was unacceptable. I did something I never thought I would or could do. I took my toothbrush and walked into my bathroom. I came out pretty happy. I continued doing that for two days until I realized it was not the right way of going about losing weight.

Of course, starving myself isn't the best weight loss plan either. But hey, its a little late for that. I guess I've never actually fasted or starved. Binge eating is more my style.

I've done some experimenting with laxatives and I'm sure that will continue in the future.

My destination of a smaller me is going to be great.
My journey is going to be more than I can take.