Sunday, December 20, 2009


i haven't had anything to say. so i haven't been posting(obviously). however, i have been reading.
its so so sooo hard to read you're posts and see you all improve while i slowly get worse and worse. i'm proud of you all, but its such a shitty feeling. its shitty because i know its all in my control, i'm just a fat lazy girl who doesn't choose to fix herself. i haven't been throwing up or even eating healthy. i blame it on the season but the blame is on me. i can still fit into my zero's, but i fit into my one's as well. my current weight is 111 lbs. that is so disgusting. i don't even know why i have no control anymore. its not that i don't care, because i do. its just that i don't think, i eat when i want to and even when i don't want to. i don't want to write anymore, but i might later. bye.

Friday, November 27, 2009


i'm so sorry i haven't posted. i've been too sick and too fat.
i still fit into my zero jeans no problem, thank god. thanksgiving was yesterday. that wasn't okay. but other than that i've actually been doing decent. school lunches have been bad the past week, but i'll kick myself back into better habits. i've actually been happy lately. well happy-ish. i've had things to do. that is really good for me because if i wasn't out doing things i'd be sitting on my lazy ass eating and watching tv. two nights ago i was hanging out with some people and everyone was smoking and i don't smoke weed anymore so i sat there and watched and after when they all had the munchies and everyone was scarfing down chips, pizza, and soda i was happily sitting there starving.
well i need to go get ready, i'm going out. that means i won't be eating until tomorrow morning.

Monday, November 9, 2009


i'm back in my zero jeans! (:
i completely drown in my threes and my ones are slightly loose. finally. hahah


i'm so sorry i haven't been posting.
school is ridiculous, as well as dance, and family.
but to catch you up, i got really sick on saturday and didn't eat until today (monday) after i fainted, which had never happened to me until today. i weighed myself when i was finally able to get out of my bed and i'm 108. this number haunts me. it never gets smaller, yet often increases. i went two days without eating, i really don't understand. however, looking in the mirror i feel smaller somehow? who knows, i'm pretty delusional right now. but i'm super tired. i'll post soon. <3

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


life is hectic.
today was interesting, the power went out at our school so everyone got to leave. i was excited! and before we were released i had a reall deep conversation with one of my old best friends, we had a falling out and i'm glad we finally talked about it. i love resolving issues. it makes life so much easier.
so i wanted to apologize for not posting in forever. i haven't been doing very good. and its hard to read all your posts when i hear about how amazing your doing. haha. but good job if you have been doing well! i haven't been throwing up. who knows why. (i was talking to my best friend about this and i think it is my recently changed attitude and my lack of self control). and of course halloween was this weekend.. which means candy and sweets galore. i can't even begin to describe how much chocolate i consumed this week and yesterday i had a bagel at lunch! today will be better though. i've only had a sucker my friend got me and i didn't even finish half of it. i'm not even hungry, i'm probably still running off everything i ate this weekend. goodness. well, i have to get off the computer. someone here to look at my house. bye (:

Saturday, October 24, 2009


i'm pretty happy.
i'm 107. that's not what i'm happy about.
but i started my solo today at dance and i really like it, i have a chair and my song is pretty and it means every saturday i have an extra hour of dance. and i went to the gym with my mom after dance on thursday and she was like "i like working out with you, you keep going. its inspiring." so she got me a membership so we can go together every monday, thursday and sunday. and i can go by myself whenever i want. and this gym is literally two minutes away from my house by foot. so its perfect. now basically, i was doing great with food until last night. but luckily i was eating bell peppers and soy nuts instead of chips. but regardless. i ate a lot! of course i would do that after a week or being pretty good. but it is now three and i've eaten a seventy calorie yogurt and i definitely burned off that and some of last nights calories at dance today. and i clean my studio so when everyone left i kept practicing for about an hour and that burned quite a few i'm sure.
so, not including last night, i am actually proud of myself.
i hope your doing great (:
maybe i'll post a few pictures if i start looking better.
but i'm not sure yet. hahah

Sunday, October 18, 2009


i just walked across my town because my mom hates me. honestly, all we do is fight. i was crying the whole way and i saw at least three people i know pass me. it was so embarrassing. but at least it was exercise. ha.
so my system is working (: i haven't eaten today. and i hardly ate yesterday; 80 calorie yogurt and a piece of toast no butter, 100 calories. not bad for what i've been eating lately.
i was with my friend i hardly hang out with and i made some really cool friends. we went out and none of us had money for food so that was perfect for me, hahah.
so i met this girl friday, well i knew who she was, we go to school together and she is three months pregnant and looks smaller than me. it made me so mad. i mean, good for her. she's hiding it really well, but god. it made me feel horrible.
so i am going to try so hard to be one oh five by the end of the week. it shouldn't be hard. i just really need to get a hold of myself.
i think my mom just got home so i need to get off.
time to get screamed at. woooo.

Friday, October 16, 2009


i have been so ridiculously busy this week it isn't even funny. so sorry for not posting : /
on a decent note. i'm still 108. because this system (eat, throw up) i'm not gaining anything. but i'm still eating. and i'm eating a lot. so we'll have to change that.
i have to get a hold of myself. this has been going on for about two weeks now. and it is not anywhere near okay. its disgusting.
i really haven't done much this week. other than school and dance. i just have had so much homework so no time to post.
but here is my idea:
tonight: eat dinner with my mom like a said i would, throw up.
tomorrow: have a 80 calorie yogurt and burn it off at dance. eat dinner with friends or whoever i'm with. no snacks throughout the day.
sunday: fast
monday-friday: dinner, throw up.

sounds simple. but lets see how i do.
i'll post tomorrow (: i just need to get ready; football game tonight.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


I'm horrible.
i need to get a hold of myself. NOW.
alright, so i fasted all friday until six when i went out to dinner with my dad, who i rarely see, and we went out for mexican. after not eating for over a day since i hardly ate anything thursday (some crackers and cheese and 100 calorie doritos), i was obviously hungry. so i decided to order a bean, rice and cheese burrito. i know, i know. but anyways, i am over half way done with it, mid sentence, out of no where, i started gagging, my dad runs over and pulls my hair back and i threw up everything and on everything. it was disgusting. and i'm not sick, so it was really weird. not sure what it was about. but hey it got me out of having to do it later.
so anyways, that movie night i told you about. yeahhh, not so good. not good at all actually. homemade brownies and whipped cream at six in the morning after not sleeping for over twenty four hours seems like a good idea at the time. doesn't really feel good now. hah. and a five calorie energy drink seems like a good idea as well, but not when you feel hung over the next morning. and to ease the headache and slushy stomach, i topped it all off with a cheese bagel. aren't i great? not.
i don't know where any of my control went. but i'm not going to eat anything the rest of the day, which shouldn't be extremely difficult because i'm going to spend it doing homework and sleeping.
ohh, a new decision i've made is that i'm going to fill up my day with so many activities and things to do that there is just no time for eating, because obviously i have lost every ounce of control i had.

good luck, and you better be doing better than me!
but i promise i'll lose this weight.
its just going to take longer than it should.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


i didn't fast today like i said i was going to.
but i'm starting with her tomorrow and i realized friday night i can't because i'm having a movie/pig out night with my friends. of course.
but i'm not going to eat anything else today or tomorrow or friday until the night.
if i do, i guess i'll throw it up. like what i did today.
but i'm going to try not to.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


but here you go:
this is what 108 look like on me.
i've been doing horribly lately.
but okay, my friend is fasting and she was like "you should totally fast with me!" so i'm going to until friday. or at least thats when she is stopping. if it works for me, maybe i'll keep going. we'll see. because obvisously i have no self control, i can't even tell you what i've been eating because its absolutely disgusting.
i'm going to do this! i have to do this...

Monday, October 5, 2009


"Food may seem more important to you than ever before as you try to compensate for the lack of some emotional bond."
my horoscope.
they're dead on sometimes.


i love this weather so much <3

so basically homecoming was terrible. the whole night was a bust, but i'm over it. i have been spending a lot of time lately letting little things get to me, and i finally let myself cry and realize, its high school. this doesn't matter in the long run. i'm over being judged, the only opinion that matters is mine.i'm aware that i should have known that, and i did, i just never believed it. i think i finally do. (:

so i'm ready to tell you what i've been up to.
i cut myself a few weekends ago (when i said i did something stupid and didn't regret it.) i haven't done it since and i don't think it was necessary, actually i know it wasn't. but for some reason i felt like i had to... not sure why?
and i've been throwing up again.. there is someone who reads this that i should have told, but didn't. i hope when you read this you don't hate me. i didn't know how to tell you.
when i said my opinion is the only one that matters, there are actually three other people who's opinions matter to me. but my opinion of myself is different than theirs of me. and that's why i do things like that.

its really hard not having certain things and to have see other people get them so easily is really hard. i don't feel the need to explain that or give specifics. but i feel like that applies to everything so you can relate it to yourself.

i need to get ready for dance.
but thanks for reading. <3

Thursday, October 1, 2009


is saturday.
i'm excited (:
i'm finally slimming down.
maybe next week i'll have pictures... maybe.
108. blahh.
unfortunately, i've been eating a lot lately. all healthy i promise.
but i've been soooo hungry. and i'm giving my body what it wants. not what my mind wants. i need to get my act together.
i'm letting myself go. booo.

i'll post after homecoming and fill you in on everything that i've been up to.

p.s. i'm feeling better (:

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


i just got back from a jog which burned off my 100 calories or so i've eaten today plus some. and i'm going to dance in an hour so that will burn even more. sweet!
i'm feeling a little better, but i've still been really irritable and emotional lately. i don't know whats wrong with me, but i'll let you know when i get a hold of myself.
I'm 109.
not good, not horrible.
still bad though.
i'm finally exercising again and my bodily functions are returning to normal so maybe i'll start digesting food normally again.. hopefully.
this weekend was just terrible. horribly, horribly terrible.
i ate so much. i don't even know why.
but i got rid of most of the calories.
i've been doing a lot of stupid things lately...
i'll tell you all about those things later.
I'm not quite ready to be judged yet.

oh, p.s. got my homecoming dress with my dad. its not horrible. its a bubble dress so i look kinda fat. oh well. he picked it out and was happy when i pretended to like it, so i'm happy.

hope your doing better than me.
good luck and stay strong <3

Saturday, September 26, 2009


i don't want anyone's sympathy.
i hate when people feel bad for me.
it makes me feel pathetic.
my friend texted me last night saying something.
(i'd rather not talk about it)
but it was embarrassing.
it pisses me off when people think i'm incapable of doing things for myself.
and what's even more pathetic is she has a point.
i'm sitting here on a saturday night by myself blogging when all my friends are out partying and having a good time. but i'm in such a slump i don't want to do anything.

i can't even explain how i'm feeling right now and i don't know exactly why i'm feeling this way, i just know it sucks and i hate it.

and on an even MORE pathetic note, i ate.. a lot..
950 calories a lot.
that is almost as disgusting as i feel.
and this little depression i'm in is keeping me from moving enough to have the energy to work off at least a portion of it.
bye bye 108,
hello fatass.


easy as 123.
sort of, hahah.
yesterday was three hundred and i ate around 400. no bueno.
but i burnt off at least 120-140 so i'm good.
today i've had 90 calories and i don't plan on having much more.

108 pounds.
i did not expect to see those numbers for a while.

i'm real happy (:
hope you are all doing great.
i'm off to look for a homecoming dress with my father.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


i'm finally dancing again, and i couldn't be happier.
i started abc yesterday and i've eaten less than i was supposed to both days.
i don't see a difference.
but its been two days so i wasn't expecting to see anything. ha
I'm really happy and proud of myself.
my best friend is doing her own abc based diet so i have her to help me though it.
I've denied so much food lately and that is completely not like me. i cave so easily, someone offers me something, i take it without a thought. not anymore.
i'm so proud that i can finally say that.
i hope you are all doing great!
stay strong. i know i need to be.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


so since i did so good yesterday and barely ate anything i decided i was going to start the abc diet. i tried for a week over summer and just didn't have the self control. i didn't really have the drive either. obviously now i do, but of course when i decide i'm starting my grandma calls my mom inviting us all over for a massive home made dinner. my family is all obese so there is literally massive amounts of food. my grandmother always makes a plate for me, which is very unnecessary, but because i'm a vegetarian she thinks i don't eat enough (that's not why, but she's right) so i'm sure i will come home three or more pounds heavier. not even exaggerating
so i guess i'm starting tomorrow.
i'm dancing tonight, so maybe that will burn off at least a tiny bit.
i'm excited to get back to exercising.
i really need to work my ass off, literally.

wish me luck.

Monday, September 21, 2009


i did something really stupid last night.
and i can't really say i'm regretting it,
which makes me regret it.

if that makes sense.

but on a brighter side.
190 calories.
give or take a few.

hope you're doing better than me.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Excuse me,

but if you dislike foul language. don't read this.

i feel like shit , and this isn't the first time this has happened to me.
actually, it always happens to me.
i hate high school so much.
these are by far the WORST days of my life.
i'm crying and i wish you felt really shitty.
but i know you don't.

on another note;
literally i could pass as being three months pregnant.
why do i do this to myself.
"you have a huge ass... like its massive"
that really helped.

so my fat ass is sitting here wallowing in self pity.
but hey, nothing i can do about it now.

you don't know what i'm talking about. but ranting and venting helped a little bit.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's horrible,

my little sister: 5'0, 85 llbs., 12 years old.
she just came into our room last night crying and when i asked her what was wrong she lifted up her shirt and pointed at her stomach saying her friends were poking her all night telling her they like her "pudge", after about ten minutes of just letting her cry i told her she was beautiful and her friends don't know what they're talking about and she just kept crying.
it was heartbreaking.
then today, while i was cleaning my dance studio she was with me and was being really quiet which isn't like her so i asked what was wrong and she said she was hungry so i told her to go get something out of the office and she said she couldn't and when i asked why she looked at herself and mumbled something so that i didn't understand so i asked again and she yelled " I'M FAT! that's why!"
it was the worst feeling i have ever felt.
I didn't know what to say, because i know exactly how she feels.

i've felt sick all day, maybe because of that?
but i haven't really eaten
90 calories.
still 110.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


in-n-out grilled cheese+fries.
650 calories today.


I have barely eaten anything today.
190 calories, and i'm done for the day (:
I talked to my dad about homecoming
and his girlfriend is going to look through all her vintage dresses and pick me out something amazing. yay!
I have two best friends that are always there for me.
One isn't so supportive but she just doesn't understand and can I really blame her? No.
Just like I don't understand somethings she does.
But its okay because I'm there for her and she is there for me.
Dance last night was pretty good, except for the pain.
Not dancing tonight but I went on a walk and I just finished some sit ups, and when I get home I'll be doing some more.
I'm hungry, but nothing looks good.
Thank god!
Hope everyone is doing good,
good luck and stay strong.
xo <3

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Never mind,

I didn't post.
I'm 110. Great.
But I haven't worked off anything in a week and last nights dinner was horrible.
I think I can shed that pound. Not as easy as I gained it, but easily enough.
"no it don't come easy, no it don't come fast" augustana-fire.
Of course gaining weight is so easy; too bad.
I can honestly say I've been eating less than usual (disregarding last night of course) and I'm not as hungry anymore. Woo.
I'm going to try to dance tonight, but who knows how that's going to work out.
I think I'm going to my dad's this weekend which means I don't have to eat very much and when I do eat, it's all healthy and low cal. Yay.
Sisters gone which means I can read and post as much as I want without her lurking, thank god.
I need to do homework, but I'll let you know how dance goes.

400 calories today. I don't plan on that changing.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Two sides to every problem,

Things are getting better.
I'm on top of school work,
I'm resolving issues that have been haunting me for quite some time,
I'm doing a solo,
I fixed things with my dad,
my mom is listening a little more and finally growing up.
So why is it that
I still feel like shit?
I'm still no where near what I want to be.
By resolving issues with some people I'm creating some with others,
I can't dance for two weeks,
my dad isn't here,
and my mom still doesn't care.
All these things are taking up too much space in my mind. Space that needs to be directed towards other thoughts; thoughts like controlling what i eat.
For example; I've eaten about 800 calories today and I still have to eat dinner.
I feel disgusting and I can't dance it off tonight, or the rest of this week for that matter.
Well I'm going to go on a twenty minute jog around my neighborhood on my bum ankle.
Then I'm going to dance. Boo for watching other people burn calories while you sit on your fat ass.

I'll post again tonight, I'm sure of it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

This is me,

Age: 16
Height: 5'5
Weight: 109 lbs.
Conclusion: disgusting

I would not say I am anorexic or bulimic, although I have habits and personality traits similar to both.

Currently I am suffering from cramps that have lead to nausea resulting in myself throwing up everything I have eaten in the past three days. I can honestly say I've never been happier to be in so much pain.

A few weeks back I looked in the mirror and decided what i saw was unacceptable. I did something I never thought I would or could do. I took my toothbrush and walked into my bathroom. I came out pretty happy. I continued doing that for two days until I realized it was not the right way of going about losing weight.

Of course, starving myself isn't the best weight loss plan either. But hey, its a little late for that. I guess I've never actually fasted or starved. Binge eating is more my style.

I've done some experimenting with laxatives and I'm sure that will continue in the future.

My destination of a smaller me is going to be great.
My journey is going to be more than I can take.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


its a sad and humorous thing when people critique others flaws.
there is no such thing a perfection.

Monday, August 24, 2009


that is a perfect word to describe me.