Again,

i'm so sorry i haven't been posting.
school is ridiculous, as well as dance, and family.
but to catch you up, i got really sick on saturday and didn't eat until today (monday) after i fainted, which had never happened to me until today. i weighed myself when i was finally able to get out of my bed and i'm 108. this number haunts me. it never gets smaller, yet often increases. i went two days without eating, i really don't understand. however, looking in the mirror i feel smaller somehow? who knows, i'm pretty delusional right now. but i'm super tired. i'll post soon. <3

Goodness,

life is hectic.
today was interesting, the power went out at our school so everyone got to leave. i was excited! and before we were released i had a reall deep conversation with one of my old best friends, we had a falling out and i'm glad we finally talked about it. i love resolving issues. it makes life so much easier.
so i wanted to apologize for not posting in forever. i haven't been doing very good. and its hard to read all your posts when i hear about how amazing your doing. haha. but good job if you have been doing well! i haven't been throwing up. who knows why. (i was talking to my best friend about this and i think it is my recently changed attitude and my lack of self control). and of course halloween was this weekend.. which means candy and sweets galore. i can't even begin to describe how much chocolate i consumed this week and yesterday i had a bagel at lunch! today will be better though. i've only had a sucker my friend got me and i didn't even finish half of it. i'm not even hungry, i'm probably still running off everything i ate this weekend. goodness. well, i have to get off the computer. someone here to look at my house. bye (:

Basically,

i'm pretty happy.
i'm 107. that's not what i'm happy about.
but i started my solo today at dance and i really like it, i have a chair and my song is pretty and it means every saturday i have an extra hour of dance. and i went to the gym with my mom after dance on thursday and she was like "i like working out with you, you keep going. its inspiring." so she got me a membership so we can go together every monday, thursday and sunday. and i can go by myself whenever i want. and this gym is literally two minutes away from my house by foot. so its perfect. now basically, i was doing great with food until last night. but luckily i was eating bell peppers and soy nuts instead of chips. but regardless. i ate a lot! of course i would do that after a week or being pretty good. but it is now three and i've eaten a seventy calorie yogurt and i definitely burned off that and some of last nights calories at dance today. and i clean my studio so when everyone left i kept practicing for about an hour and that burned quite a few i'm sure.
so, not including last night, i am actually proud of myself.
i hope your doing great (:
maybe i'll post a few pictures if i start looking better.
but i'm not sure yet. hahah

Wow,

i just walked across my town because my mom hates me. honestly, all we do is fight. i was crying the whole way and i saw at least three people i know pass me. it was so embarrassing. but at least it was exercise. ha.
so my system is working (: i haven't eaten today. and i hardly ate yesterday; 80 calorie yogurt and a piece of toast no butter, 100 calories. not bad for what i've been eating lately.
i was with my friend i hardly hang out with and i made some really cool friends. we went out and none of us had money for food so that was perfect for me, hahah.
so i met this girl friday, well i knew who she was, we go to school together and she is three months pregnant and looks smaller than me. it made me so mad. i mean, good for her. she's hiding it really well, but god. it made me feel horrible.
so i am going to try so hard to be one oh five by the end of the week. it shouldn't be hard. i just really need to get a hold of myself.
i think my mom just got home so i need to get off.
time to get screamed at. woooo.
bye

Sorry,

i have been so ridiculously busy this week it isn't even funny. so sorry for not posting : /
on a decent note. i'm still 108. because this system (eat, throw up) i'm not gaining anything. but i'm still eating. and i'm eating a lot. so we'll have to change that.
i have to get a hold of myself. this has been going on for about two weeks now. and it is not anywhere near okay. its disgusting.
i really haven't done much this week. other than school and dance. i just have had so much homework so no time to post.
but here is my idea:
tonight: eat dinner with my mom like a said i would, throw up.
tomorrow: have a 80 calorie yogurt and burn it off at dance. eat dinner with friends or whoever i'm with. no snacks throughout the day.
sunday: fast
monday-friday: dinner, throw up.

sounds simple. but lets see how i do.
i'll post tomorrow (: i just need to get ready; football game tonight.

So,

I'm horrible.
i need to get a hold of myself. NOW.
alright, so i fasted all friday until six when i went out to dinner with my dad, who i rarely see, and we went out for mexican. after not eating for over a day since i hardly ate anything thursday (some crackers and cheese and 100 calorie doritos), i was obviously hungry. so i decided to order a bean, rice and cheese burrito. i know, i know. but anyways, i am over half way done with it, mid sentence, out of no where, i started gagging, my dad runs over and pulls my hair back and i threw up everything and on everything. it was disgusting. and i'm not sick, so it was really weird. not sure what it was about. but hey it got me out of having to do it later.
so anyways, that movie night i told you about. yeahhh, not so good. not good at all actually. homemade brownies and whipped cream at six in the morning after not sleeping for over twenty four hours seems like a good idea at the time. doesn't really feel good now. hah. and a five calorie energy drink seems like a good idea as well, but not when you feel hung over the next morning. and to ease the headache and slushy stomach, i topped it all off with a cheese bagel. aren't i great? not.
i don't know where any of my control went. but i'm not going to eat anything the rest of the day, which shouldn't be extremely difficult because i'm going to spend it doing homework and sleeping.
ohh, a new decision i've made is that i'm going to fill up my day with so many activities and things to do that there is just no time for eating, because obviously i have lost every ounce of control i had.

good luck, and you better be doing better than me!
but i promise i'll lose this weight.
its just going to take longer than it should.

Lied,

i didn't fast today like i said i was going to.
but i'm starting with her tomorrow and i realized friday night i can't because i'm having a movie/pig out night with my friends. of course.
but i'm not going to eat anything else today or tomorrow or friday until the night.
if i do, i guess i'll throw it up. like what i did today.
but i'm going to try not to.